Today in my teenage angst, I was pathetic.
It's really quite the sob story. You see, most of my life, I've lived in fear of inevitable rejection. I've never actually been rejected, but it seems to be a societal trend so better to be prepared right?
In the course of preparing myself, I seem to have shut out almost all possible community. This is not to say that I don't have friends. This is to say that I am not a part of a 'friend group', whatever that may mean.
Now, I torture myself daily by yearning for the community that I, myself, have not allowed me to have.
Everyday, I scan through pictures on facebook and practically burn in envy of those who've experienced, opened themselves to and now have that community. I scorn them for not including me. I judge them for being so elitist. I analyze the social structure of my surroundings - yet again - and deem myself to be on the periphery.
Am I not, however, placing myself there? Am I not mourning my inability to breach the periphery to be closer to the core, instead of just walking in? Am I not denying myself the joy I scorn others for having?
Yes; on all accounts, yes.
I daily long for a close and intentional community and daily I deny myself of having it.
O that I may not just recognize this fault but take responsibility for it. Though community is a gift from the Lord, I have (just as with every other gift) a responsibility to steward it.
I can't claim my sob story as valid if I'm the one at fault, can I?